Love could sometimes be destructive

I have not a clue what the hell am I thinking staying up at this time, blogging, when my mooting assessment is at 8.30 a.m. later today.

Perhaps it's the gastric I'm having now. Perhaps it's the anxiety of mooting; insomnia kicking in. Perhaps it's the fear of dreaming that I flunked something in my finals.

But I guess I'm just too heartbroken to feel sleepy. The pain is so unbearable, that the rest of my organs stopped functioning. It's a miracle that I'm still breathing.

I told Ingrid, I don't know what have I done wrong in my life to deserve this. She said blame it on the fact that I'm too much of an iron lady. I can pretty much handle everything on my own. Thus the only thing I can't handle, is relationship.

Could that be the reason? Am I really too strong and too intimidating a girl to be loved? I kept asking myself this. Maybe it is him who is weak. But if this is true, how many guys out there could take up the challenge? Better yet, is there ANY?

I guess there was. My ex. Hahaha! Suddenly I appreciate his courage and his tolerance when he was with me. Must have been tough.

But it couldn't be. I'm not strong. Not at all. I cry in my bed every single day. My heart is broken. How could a heartbroken crybaby be strong???

Yes, I'm a perfectionist. I wanna be perfect. I wanna make things perfect. But I never asked for people around me to be perfect, nor that I ever asked them to make things perfect for me. I never asked for you to be perfect. Most important of all, I never asked for us to be perfect. Where is the pressure, I ask you?

Was it just an excuse? Not to me, but yourself?

If it was an excuse, I don't expect you to tell me the truth, since you seldom do anyway. But please, stick to your excuse and try lying to yourself wholeheartedly. Coz when you only do that half-heartedly, I couldn't make myself believe your lie. And trust me, it's already to a point where I'd be more than happy to think we were never meant for each other and will never be.

Because I'm too tired, too hurt to continue. I never knew loving someone would exhaust your soul. It's been a long time I neither laughed nor smiled from my heart. I could only cry from it because I cannot believe what a fool I am, for loving you this much.