Sem break!!!

OMG...Finally.

End of all suffering, sleepless nights, heavy consumption of caffeine, law textbooks, midnight panic routine, countless nightmares...and marching our way to FREEDOM!!!

...for 2 weeks.

Anyway, it's still nice to take a break from all the stress and responsibilities especially for me before going back to face the ultimate verdict. I was SO SURE that I screwed a paper up. But I read something today which says if you do not believe God will answer your prayer then there's no point praying, which I think makes perfect sense. So ok, I believe I've failed nothing.

It's not even a week into the break and I'm missing someone already. Unbelievable. I told him I miss him and he was like, "Aiyor, you should have a lot of things to do in Ipoh." Well, it might be true apart from the fact that I'm not in the mood to go out, but what does that gotta do with missing you or not?

Just when I thought maybe you don't miss me at all because I'm only important when you are not surrounded by your hometown friends, you sms-ed me a few times today, "reporting" to me everything you are doing, everywhere you are going, everyone you are meeting. It's to a point that I don't know what to reply, really.

It's so confusing. Sometimes you can be perfectly dependent on me, like you can't live a day without talking to me. But sometimes...you don't care enough for me, even as a normal friend.

I still remember the time we all got food poisoning and were admitted to hospital. When I woke up the next day and went online, I didn't see you there. In my heart I knew exactly where you were, so I wasn't surprised when I was informed by somebody. I sat in front of the computer for half a day, couldn't decide whether I should sms you. Meanwhile I recieved sms-es and phone calls from almost all my classmates, checking whether I'm feeling ok. Then I saw everyone's msn captions read something like, "I only realised how much you love me." At that moment, all I realised was how much you don't love me. Not a single phone call, not a single sms from you. If my condition were to get worse, you won't know if I was admitted into hospital again. I just feel that you don't even love me as a friend, much less anything else. There was nothing I could do. I was so weak but I just sat in front of the computer and cried for the entire day. People kept asking me to stop crying because I was already seriously dehydrated, but my tears isn't something I could control. Then I heard about what happened to Raymond and I realised the fact that some people do not react immediately. I was so worried that I sms-ed you right away, asking whether you were ok. After you replied, I only felt like an idiot, because I was supposed to be mad at you but I cared for you more than anything else, more than myself.

You can never imagine how sad I felt. I don't care where you went and who you were with, coz that's your business and I have no rights to interfere. I was only sad because there seemed to be circumstances where I am important to you and times when I am not. I am only important when you have no one to accompany you or talk to you. Whenever you could find a replacement for that role, I'm as good as forgotten. Should even a normal friend be treated this way? And I thought we are supposingly good friends.

Sigh, I just can't believe having said all these I still miss you so much.

Can't wait to leave the country. 2 days in counting.

Stupid mistake

Sorry, I think I was wrong. You are capable of loving someone. Only that someone is not me and will never be me.
It isn't your fault. It's entirely mine. I shouldn't hope. I shouldn't wait. I shouldn't have asked you questions which I am in no position to ask. By doing that I forced you to give me false hope in order not to hurt me, and clinging on to this false hope, I keep lying to myself, that one day you might be able to see me, one day I might not be invisible to you.
Of course, you did not say all these. This is just another assumption of mine. But is the truth really that important? I find I do not care anymore. I just want more than my life to end this pain and suffer; this breaking and mending routine. Coz I don't wanna hate you. I don't wanna hate myself.

Whenever I'm sad, I think of the day I leave for UK. I will live in a house with many windows, and watch the snow hit the glass of the windows...without you.

I want you to know this

I understand. It's the risk of giving up something you already own for an uncertainty. What if it doesn't work out? Would you end up with nothing?
But you see, that's the difference between you and I. No, it's not because you don't feel the same way. Listen, it's our difference.
I gave up an almost absolute happiness for this uncertainty. Because I love you.
You can't do this. Not because you don't love me...well maybe it is one of the reasons. But I think it's simply because you cannot love anyone more than yourself.