There's nothing merry about this Christmas

Count on peer pressure to chase the holiday spirit out of me.

Ai Wee, my friend, why did you tell me? Now that I've found out that some of my classmates had already FINISHED attachment and some of them (probably half of my class) had gotten their coursework DONE, how do you expect me to be able to sleep at night? It's just so much better to live under the false impression that everyone's enjoying their holiday and forgetting their homework. This is TMI!!! Which will cause me to throw myself out of a building, if I can find a building tall enough in Ipoh to crush all my bones when I jump, that is.

Now I realised, if I were to start doing something about my coursework during this holiday, I HAVE TO start tomorrow! Coz on Friday, I'll be going to Malacca. Next Friday, I'll be in KL. A fortnight later, I'll be in Cameron Highlands.

To sum things up: I'M SO DEAD.

Seriously, I've never felt so threatened by this peer pressure thingy......

Oh, who am I kidding? Of course I have. Come on, I was a freak when I was in secondary, and I think I still am one. I was in a nerdy class with 40 over straight-A students but I was not even smart. I was the math idiot in the class. Completely clueless about anything math-related. I was forced to drop Additional Maths and Physics in F.5 just so that I wouldn't be flunking 2 subjects in my SPM. The only human being in Pure Science who dropped 2 important subjects and took up Chinese Literature instead: who else but me, the ultimate loser?

Let's face it, I'm not the smartest; I'm not the prettiest. I might've been the best singer in my grade, but now I'm sure many singers in our college are better than me.

But that's not the worst. The worst thing is I was constantly beaten out by people who are not that smart themselves; and even ugly, both inside and outside. Here's one good example:
There was a very smart girl in my class who thought she was all that and enjoyed going around commenting on other people's appearance. Although she was one of the smartest students in my class, the fact is, she's not even pretty herself. The dress she wore to our graduation dinner that she was so proud of actually made her look like a poutlet (French word. Not gonna tell you what it means. Go figure it out yourself). I didn't say that, of course. My college friends did, after looking at her pics. To cut the story short, she was hypocritical and I'm so sure if you cut open her torso and snatch her heart out, you'll see it's pitch-black! But yet she was popular! And she was capable of making everyone turn their backs to people whom she disliked (according to my classmate/best friend in F.5, she hated people whom she felt threatened by. People who were more attractive or smarter than she was. I don't think she was right though. Bcoz if that's true, why in the world did she pick on me? Hello? I'm just an unattractive, talentless, defeated freak), until one point where everyone started to realise how mean she was and started boycotting her. Even then, the guys believed that she was only an innocent, kind-hearted and friendly girl. They believed every single thing she said about other girls.

Which totally proved that there is no justice in the world. None at all.

Guess we are all living in a world with endless peer pressure. You fight to be in the most popular clique in school, bocz of peer pressure. You fight to get into the most prestigeous university, bcoz if you didn't make it and your former classmates did, you'd be hailed a loser. You fight for a job after graduating that will earn you a huge paycheck, bcoz if you don't, your grandmother's friend's sister's daughter's son will show off his paycheck during the next visit to your granny's house. You fight for a tall, dark and handsome plus rich bf who fulfils your 5 Cs requirement (Cash, Credit Card, Condo, Car) so that during the next secondary school reunion, you can show him off as an accessory and also, how can you forget, the new Cartier diamond bracelet he bought you for your birthday. When you get married you want a Vera Wang bridal gown to beat your ex-classmate's wedding gown, no matter how much it costs. When you have kids you want them to get into the best schools so that they don't get looked down by next door's snobby kids. When you have grandchildren you have to force them to perform some sort of lame story-telling on the stool whenever people visit your house, just to remind your relatives that your grandchildren are better than theirs......

But what does it matter in the end, I ask you? We are all just going to die anyway.

Then again, even for funerals we sometimes spend a fortune on them. What is even the point? So that your death causes higher expenses than your rival's?

Come to think of it, I don't remember feeling the pressure that much when I was in primary. It's probably bcoz back then I was getting the top ten best results and winning every school competition (speech in all languages, singing, essay in all languages...The headmaster once joked that he was bored of shaking my hand during the award presentation every year and why can't they have someone else on stage for a change. I even delivered the graduation speech in primary six, representing the student body). Guess I was so used to being the popular girl in the school (no kidding, even my seniors and juniors remembered me to this date. Once I met a girl whom I believed was my classmate (She indicated that she was but I really didn't recognize her), she turned to her mother and said I was very popular in school) that I can't adapt to the "fab to freak" phenomenon since I started secondary.

In my case, seems like it's not injustice nor it is peer pressure. It's plainly my fault. My fault, for being such a pinhead. My fault, for over-estimating myself. Me and my stupid-ass mistakes.

I'm such a goner.